Tuesday, May 6th, 2008
I hate Tuesdays. Really. I leave my house at 6:30 am and don’t return until 8:30ish pm - unless I also engage in pub trivia, then it’s 11ish.
I help out in fartheads classroom in the afternoon, take the farthead to soccer practice after work, then rush straight from practice to brownies. BUT there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Fartheads teacher informed me that my work in the classroom may be over for the rest of the year. I’m crossing my fingers. Soccer is over this weekend, so after the party next week, we’ll be done with that. And I’m pretty sure brownies ends this month too.
Please sir, can I have my Tuesdays back?
Friday, May 2nd, 2008
I’m at home popping pills and nursing an allergy induced sinus headache from hell when the doorbell goes ding ding-ding-ding. Thinking that was odd, I used the peephole and didn’t see anyone there. Just as I was about to leave, an 8 year old boy runs up the steps, knocks on the door, then goes and hides behind a bush. I chuckle to myself because I remember doing the same thing when I was a kid - I was getting ding dong ditched (only pc word I could find). The devious, sadistic side of me decides to have some fun so I lay in wait. Shor ’nuff, he come running back up the stairs. I open the door, jump out and say “GOTCHA’. The poor kid stumbles trying to run away and says “Oh man, you caught me”. Then I notice in my haste to tease this poor kid, I was standing on a pink carnation and had kicked aside a plate of goodies with a pretty little card saying “Happy May Day” on it. Then I hear some chics across the street saying “She caught you Jordan”. At this point, my 12 pound dog/cat goes running out the door with Chloe. I got the dog back in, then stared like a deer in the headlights at the peeps across the street walking away while scratching my ass in confusion with the treats on my doorstep.
I felt like shit. This kid and his family (who I’d never met) tried to do something nice and I ruined it. Happy May Day? What da? I was so confused that it took me 15 minutes before it occurred to me that I should wikipedia May Day.
May Day was also celebrated by some early European settlers of the American continent. In some parts of the United States, May Baskets are made. These baskets are small and usually filled with flowers or treats and left at someone’s doorstep. When you ring the bell, you are supposed to run away. The person receiving the basket would try to catch the person running away. If they caught the person, a kiss was to be exchanged.
Big sigh of relief. I feel better now. I unknowingly participated in a game and almost won. If I had known all the details, and if my head was not throbbing with intense brain booger pain, I woulda chased that little boy down and planted a big sloppy kiss on his little cheek.
Happy May Day!
Wednesday, April 30th, 2008
Yup. That’s me drunk and sunburned in Dallas wearing a diaper. This was saturday afternoon. There’s a helluva lot more to the story, but I’m just gonna leave it here, with the diaper over my pants.
Thanks Ne. Really. 
Wednesday, April 30th, 2008
Yay! It’s scooter weather - almost. I froze my ass off driving down the hill this morning, but after a good workout, it was actually quite invigorating. Now kevin is informing me that the sky gods are going to wreak havoc on us this afternoon. But I don’t care, I’ve gotten to ride my piglet (dodd informs me it does not qualify as a hog) twice already this week.
My winter project on the piglet was two-toning it with portifino green, then designing vinyl decals for the front and the cowls. After spending most of the winter at the shop and the sign maker, I’ve finally got it back. And I’m not letting go of it again until November so there!
Saturday, April 26th, 2008
If I was a thinking kind of person, I would make my orthodontist appointments coincide with pms I just got a higher gauge arch wire put on my grill yesterday, and eating a hard boiled egg a few minutes ago was excruciating. This would have been helpful last weekend when I found some girl scout cookies and pms took my common sense on a long drive so I could curl up on the sofa and eat myself into diabetic shock.
Sigh.
Friday, April 25th, 2008
poem: come home
james: will soon
james: just finishing up some stuff.
james: A tire just blew up in the shop. I think I shit my pants
5 minutes later -
james: not kidding! it was like a gunshot in this little room
Um, I think he can just stay at work. Nuff said.
Thursday, April 24th, 2008
I’ve been sitting on my fingers for days on this one and I can’t take it anymore. I first read about it on a blog, then had to jump over to good ole’ Wikipedia, then Google Images. I was clueless, but now am oddly intrigued. OK, not so odd if you know me, but…
The Baculum. Yea that’s right, the Baculum. I capitalize it because - well - it’s the Baculum.
Courtesy of Wikipedida:
The baculum (also penis bone, penile bone or os penis) is a bone found in the penis of most mammals. It is absent in humans, equids, marsupials, lagomorphs, and hyenas, amongst others. It is used for copulation and varies in size and shape by species. Its characteristics are sometimes used to differentiate between similar species.
I do love Richard Dawkins take on it:
The zoologist Richard Dawkins speculated in 2006, that the loss of the bone in humans, when it is present in our nearest related species the chimpanzee, is probably a result of sexual selection by females looking for signs of good health in prospective mates. The reliance of the human penis solely on hydraulic means to achieve a rigid state makes it particularly vulnerable to blood pressure variation. Poor erectile function betrays not only physical states such as diabetes and neurological disorders but mental states such as stress and depression.
(heh)
Personally, having lived with men for literally my entire life, I’ve seen how often and “innocently” a man gets whacked in the family jewels. I think the Baculum just shriveled up because cavemen were going through penis splints faster than a sushi restaurant goes through chopsticks.
So really ladies. A Baculum? Think about it. I know I still am.
Tuesday, April 22nd, 2008
b4 and after
She may be a ragamuffin, but she’s a damn cute one. And she’s all mine!
Monday, April 21st, 2008
Ever since we got wood floors, our lovely monstrosity of a bed has been creaking like a bitch - to the point of waking us up numerous times during the night.
So yesterday, James dusted off the hammer, screwdriver and drill, and performed a boxspring autopsy. Ahhh, last night was ever so… silent.
Bow chicka wow wow
Friday, April 18th, 2008
On our way home, my daughter informs me that she and a friend were playing in the big puddle by the elementary school. I’m in my own little world and only half listening. Then I hear the word sewer, and how she stuck her head in the pipe. Whoa nelly, back up.
“Um, Chloe that’s disgusting.” “But mom it’s fun.” “But Chloe do you know what sewer is? It’s poopie and peepee water.” “But mom…”
Then she proceeds to tell me they had cups and were playing with that dubious liquid. I try to tell her about bacteria, not to mention AGAIN that she’s playing with everyones toilet water. She’s not phased. “Please mom, I’ll wear two pair of gloves.” “Hell no!” “Can I use a stick?” This continues all the way home. Finally I lost all desire to reason with her appropriately. “Really Chloe? Why are we arguing about this? You are playing is ass water. The fact that it is ass water should be enough! I’m not gonna fight about this, stay out of the damn sewer. Most kids would be disgusted if they discovered they were playing with shit juice. I’m not gonna talk about this anymore. I mean, ASS WATER! STAY OUT!!!”
At this point, we get home and she storms out of the car, telling me I’m the worst mom ever and how she’s never speaking to me again.
Ya I know Joe, mom of the year award down the sewage pipes. Sigh.
Tuesday, April 8th, 2008
Taxes are filed, and Uncle Scab-on-my-ass has been paid off for yet another year. Next year will be much better. He’s gonna owe me big time.
Pay back’s a bitch.
Tuesday, April 8th, 2008
Going to Dallas to see my girl well before the crack of dawn on Thursday. Enjoy the picture and let your minds go wild. I’ll be back…whenever.
Friday, April 4th, 2008
I help out in my daughters classroom briefly on (most) Tuesdays, and have been unpleasantly surprised to discover that just about every time I’m there, I learn an old rule long ago lost in the cobwebs of my addled brain. So with this in mind…
I was helping my daughter with her practice spelling test last night and it was full of contractions (had to google that one). Very much aware that she knows more rules than me, I ask her a rule I was curious about. She didn’t know, so I told her to enlighten me when she learns it.
Then James started to speak out. I cringed because I know he’s gonna tell me the rule and I’m gonna feel like a bigger water-head than usual. But no, I’m safe. He says, “That’s easy, the little red line appears under the word, than your right click on it to fix”. Gawd I love him.
It seems that every year I spend on the keyboard is a year closer to losing everything I’ve ever been taught in school. My spelling is atrocious, my grammar horrible. Spellcheck is turning me into a damn idiot. And god forbid you ask me any math facts. If it weren’t for the occasional card games I play, I’d constantly be counting on my fingers and toes. Damn calculators.
That’s all I have to say about that.
Thursday, April 3rd, 2008
i can’t wait until i don’t have to turn a light on.
seriously.
Sunday, March 30th, 2008
Meet the Raccoon Dog. I really need to get one of these for Cari.
The Tanuki is the Japanese equivalent of the racoon, although it is actually a type of wild dog and not directly related to racoons. They are known as clever and mischevious animals with incredibly huge testicles.
